Perhaps it’s time to press reset the universe and start the simulation over. In an astonishing turn of events that has conspiracy theorists, quantum physicists, and your slightly paranoid uncle all agreeing for once, mounting evidence suggests that humanity is caught in a time loop. The proof? We’ve been reading the same exact news stories over and over for the last 30 years!
Benjamin Netanyahu Addresses Congress—AGAIN?! In what can only be described as the ultimate case of déjà vu, Benjamin Netanyahu has addressed Congress for what feels like the millionth time. But here’s the kicker: it’s only been four times! That’s right, folks, in the past 30 years, Bibi has graced Capitol Hill not once, not twice, but FOUR times, with each speech somehow managing to sound eerily similar to the last. Sources report that during his latest address, even Congress members began questioning if they were stuck in a real-life Groundhog Day scenario.
Iran is ALWAYS Just a Few Years Away from the Bomb It’s the news story that just won’t quit. For the past three decades, headlines have warned us that Iran is just a few
years away from developing nuclear weapons. But here’s the unnerving thing: those few years never seem to pass! It’s as if time itself has decided to take a leisurely stroll through the Middle East, leaving Iran perpetually on the brink of bomb-building, but never actually reaching the finish line. “At this point, I’m beginning to think that Iran’s nuclear program might be like my gym membership—always there, always threatening, but never quite materializing,” remarked an anonymous Pentagon official who was also suspiciously involved in every one of these reports.
Inflation Concerns—The Eternal Nightmare For the last 30, 40, 90 years, news outlets have been sounding the alarm about rising prices and the imminent collapse of the economy. Economists who’ve lived through more recessions than they can count on their wrinkled fingers are starting to wonder if we’re stuck in an inflation purgatory, where prices go up, the news freaks out, and then… nothing really changes except the super rich get super richer, and the rest of us cut corners and hustle just a bit more.
This Will Be the Hottest Year on Record… Again Almost every year, like clockwork, we’re told that this will be among the hottest days/summers/winters/years on record. And every time, it is! At this point, one has to wonder: are we living in a timeline where the Earth’s thermostat is permanently stuck on “preheat” or could there possibly be some other reason causing this heating trend? If only we knew what was causing it.
Conclusion: Are We Stuck, or Are They Just Lazy? Whether these repetitive news stories are evidence of a time loop, or just proof that journalism is the world’s laziest profession, remains to be seen. But one thing is for sure: if you feel like you’ve read this article before, you probably have. In fact, check back in a few years, and we guarantee you’ll see it again—just with more suffering and despair.
