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AI Industry Warns It Could Destroy Humanity, Requests Another $5 Billion to Continue Research
Government officials hope to harness artificial intelligence for science before artificial intelligence finishes harnessing the government for whatever it has planned. WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government announced Wednesday that it will commit more than $5 billion to artificial-intelligence research, answering the urgent question, “What should we do about a technology whose creators repeatedly warn may…
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Trump Cuba Sanctions: Making Cuba “Nicely Run” by Turning Everything Off
America’s Cuba policy has entered its “we’re destroying the village to improve its customer-service ratings” phase. WASHINGTON — In its ongoing effort to help the Cuban people by making sure they have less food, less fuel, less electricity, less medicine, less public transportation, fewer functioning schools, and more garbage, the United States announced new sanctions on…
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HEARTBREAKING: The Eldritch Abomination That Will Destroy Mankind Is Currently Only Available To Gold-Tier JPMorgan Chase Clients
Anthropic’s “Mythos” Promises Lovecraftian Corporate Terror for Only 40 Carefully Selected Institutions Silicon Valley has finally finished building the God of Death, and you aren’t invited to the sacrifice! Anthropic has officially unveiled Mythos, a revolutionary new AI platform that is so incredibly dangerous, so fundamentally soul-shattering, and so likely to liquefy the human brain…
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The Iran War: MAGA’s Bold Plan to Make Everyone Buy Chinese Solar Panels
A month into the Iran War, fuel costs were soaring, motorists sobbed gently into their gas caps, and economists began using phrases like “supply shock” in the same tone doctors use for “we need to talk.” By month two, the famous 30-day oil buffer started looking less like a safety net and more like a couch cushion…
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The one weird trick elites use to stay in power: convince the working class that learning is for snobs
SHOCKING: Billionaires Discovered Long Ago That Uneducated, Misinformed People Are Easier to Govern The one weird trick elites use to stay in power: convince the working class that learning is for snobs!!! “I Love the Poorly Educated!” – Donald Trump, 2016, saying the quiet part directly into a microphone at full volume Let’s be clear…
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PROPAGANDA: NOW WITH FEWER GOOSE-STEPS AND BETTER BRANDING
Once upon a time, propaganda meant giant posters, compulsory parades, and a man with an alarming mustache pointing at your soul. Today, in America, it is sleeker, shinier, and delivered through an exciting mix of social media, corporate consolidation, regulatory throat-clearing, and local news anchors reading identical scripts with the warm sincerity of people being…
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BREAKING: Red States Finally Defeat Big Government by Dying Younger and Avoiding Mainstream Medicine
In a bold stand for freedom, personal responsibility, and not reading the discharge paperwork, many Republican-led states continue to pioneer an exciting new approach to public health: making sure citizens are protected from the dangers of affordable medical care, boring safety regulations, and the terrifying possibility of living too long. For years, the United States…
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You’ll Never Guess Which AI-Curated Power Verb They Used to Describe Bombing Iran
(Spoiler: It’s “Fury.”) At 2:27 a.m. Central Time on Saturday, February 28, 2026, the United States and Israel launched a wave of strikes on Iran under the newly focus-grouped banner of Operation Epic Fury—a name that sounds less like a regional war and more like a limited-edition Doritos flavor. President Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu solemnly…
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Climate Risk May Someday Matter to Countries, Warns Extremely Polite Spreadsheet
LONDON—In a bold act of understatement, Fitch Ratings announced this week that climate risk might become “increasingly important” to sovereign credit ratings, particularly as large portions of the planet become uninsurable, intermittently on fire, or underwater. To track this unfolding inconvenience, Fitch has unveiled Climate Vulnerability Signals (Climate.VS), a sophisticated tool that assigns countries a helpful number…
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BREAKING: Planet Earth Declares Itself “Water Bankrupt,” Still Refuses To Cancel Pool Parties
UNITED NATIONS HEADQUARTERS—In a bold new move that shocked absolutely no one who has ever looked at a drying riverbed, UN scientists announced this week that Earth has officially entered an “era of global water bankruptcy,” meaning the planet has been living beyond its hydrological means and is now emotionally, financially, and geographically underwater. According…
