In a shocking twist no one saw coming—except for every climate scientist for the past 50 years—August 2024 has officially become Earth’s hottest August in NOAA’s 175-year climate record. August didn’t just break the record for being the hottest month—it shattered it, and then stood over the shattered pieces while laughing maniacally. With a global temperature average of 2.29 degrees F (1.27 degrees C) above the 20th-century norm, this August marked the 15th consecutive month of record-high temperatures.
What’s Next for Earth? Hopefully Not Spontaneous Combustion
As we head into the remainder of 2024, scientists are pretty much throwing up their hands and preparing to say, “I told you so” in even larger font. NOAA’s National Centers for Environmental Information has already declared that the year-to-date data is looking to break more records, and by “records” we mean our spirits.
While experts advise governments to take drastic action, world leaders are instead eyeing new ways to tax sunscreen and capitalize on the sudden surge in air conditioning sales.
Fire Weather: A Hot New Trend for Fall 2024
Move over pumpkin spice lattes, 2024 is all about “fire weather.” California’s Park Fire is now the fourth-largest wildfire on record, which officially makes the entire state a VIP in the “perpetually burning inferno” club.
Pro Tip: Map out your escape routes now, because trying to figure it out when your backyard becomes a scene from Mad Max might be a bit late. Nothing says autumn coziness like an evacuation plan!
Winter Storm Survival: Don’t Be a Snowflake!
Are you prepared for the impending doom of a winter storm? Do you have enough canned beans to last for at least 2 weeks? Is your home winterized, or are you planning on doing your best “Little House on the Prairie” impression when your pipes freeze and your heater goes on permanent strike? Gather your supplies, fortify your homes, and as you sip that autumn cider, remember: this fall could be your last chance to prepare for a winter so cold that even your firewood will start shivering.
