Welcome to today’s edition of “How Screwed Are We?”—spoiler: it’s very.
In groundbreaking research that literally no one in power will do anything about, scientists have confirmed that our brains are marinating in microplastics, meaning we are all just a few decades away from thinking like Tupperware. A new study in Nature Medicine found that plastic particles are not only camping out in human organs, but they really love the brain—especially in people with dementia. That’s right, the thing turning our minds into soup isn’t just Fox News—it’s also plastic-infused blood flow.
The White House has yet to release an official statement, though sources close to the administration suggest they are currently weighing their options between “thoughts and prayers” and “unhinged budget cuts.”
Meanwhile, while your frontal lobe is slowly becoming a landfill, a Scientific American op-ed warned that bird flu is quietly amassing a human fanbase, hinting at a potential pandemic sequel that no one asked for. But don’t worry, the CDC probably knew this months ago and just… didn’t tell us. Why? Because back in Trump’s first term, his administration decided public health data should be cleared through a guy who once stared directly at a solar eclipse. Next, the Biden administration missed their chance to stop bird flu’s spread. Now, Bird Flu is mutating faster than a Marvel villain, but “experts” assure us that the risk of a human outbreak is low. You know, just like they said about COVID—right before society collapsed and we started hoarding toilet paper like it was Bitcoin.
But wait! There’s more! Just when scientists thought they’d get a chance to maybe figure out how to save us from this horror show, research funding mysteriously evaporated! Four days into Trump’s second term (or was it on Day One…or last week? Time seems to have become disjointed ), he issued an executive order suspending peer review at the NIH, because clearly we’ve had too much science lately. You read that correctly—one of the last things keeping our health research from turning into a Facebook meme just got thrown overboard.
So let’s recap:
✔ Your brain is turning into a Dollar Tree product.
✔ Bird Flu is playing the long game, and we’re all in the splash zone.
✔ The U.S. government is now regulating science with a Magic 8-Ball.
And the best part? You still have to go to work Monday morning like nothing’s happening…unless you are a woman or non-white guy working for one of the government agencies responsible for fixing this, in which case you’ve already been defunded, furloughed, or replaced by an AI that just generated a blank report labeled “Mission Accomplished.”
This isn’t just ‘screwed,’ it’s premeditated. While they’re busy dismantling NOAA and calling plastic ‘safe for sharks,’ our actual biology is being rewritten by corporate waste. The ‘Interregnum’ is just a fancy word for the waiting room of a burning building. We don’t need a better narrative; we need to stop the people holding the matches before the dollar isn’t the only thing that’s worthless
Where would we be without plastics? They say money can’t buy happiness, but have you ever seen a sad person riding a partially plastic jet ski? I mean, sure, they might be broke after buying the jet ski, but for those fleeting moments of reckless aquatic joy, they’re on top of the world. It just goes to show that maybe money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent a really good time on the water. Thanks plastic!
if righties can believe 82 year old Chuck Norris can kick through steel walls, believing in lizard people running the world is a logical next step, but somehow they can’t seem to wrap their brains around the idea that pollution, including plastic and micro-plastics is
In conclusion, nukes made out of durable recycled plastics are scary, but also kind of cool. Let’s just make sure we use them responsibly, like the way you’re supposed to use a chainsaw or a flamethrower
The plastic. The insidious, otherworldly plastic that seeps into our world like a cosmic horror. It’s a blight upon our earth, a plague upon our very existence. But I have a modest proposal. Let us gather all the plastic and perform a dark ritual, banishing it to the abyssal depths of the void. Only then can we hope to rid ourselves of this eldritch menace and protect our world from its malevolent influence.
Semi-trucks have that weird plastic scoop under their carriage. You should get one too. Not on your PERSONAL undercarriage! if your SUV cybertruck has more than 5″ of ground clearance, you need mud flaps for the back wheels. Stop spraying crap all over traffic. come on!
So let’s talk about this pop music of 2025. You know, it’s a funny thing. Back in my day, pop music was all about catchy tunes and clever lyrics. But now? It’s all about mumbling and plastic and auto-tune. have you heard these so-called “artists”? They sound like robots or the Dr Who creatures who look like mannequins.
There is a certain dark irony in becoming the very thing we manufactured. We wanted a world of convenience, and now we literally are the convenience—30% polymer, 70% anxiety. If the pillars of American power fall, perhaps we’ll finally have to look at each other without the ‘mask of unreality.’ Too bad we’ll probably be too busy glitching out from the AI circular finance collapse to notice.
plastic people are all the rage at Mar-a-Largo
Me gusta mucho como cantas
Science is cancelled, honey, but don’t worry—with all that plastic in your head, at least your casket will be archival quality and dishwasher safe!
Lycanthropy’s Valiant Revival can be found on https://vampirerealm.com
Tupperware for thoughts.
Glossy, brainless, doomed.
Once the AI circular finance loop finishes eating its own tail, the microplastics in our brains will be the only hardware left with any actual ‘intrinsic value.
you cannot escape plastic. move to a rural area and you’ll only be trading one kind for another.
I used to believe in the Pillars of Power, but I traded my shield for a ‘Made in China’ plastic frisbee and honestly? It’s lighter. 🛡️✖️ We’re losing the reserve currency status, the military is a perception game, and my brain is basically a recycled soda bottle. I’d try to save the day, but I’ve got a 10-sigma event in my local precious metals shop and I’m pretty sure my ‘super-soldier serum’ was just microplastics and corn syrup. Good luck, citizens. I’m going to go lie down until the simulation crashes
The Weary Librarian: “I’d catalog this era under ‘Tragic Farce,’ but the ink in my pen has been replaced by a semi-solid polymer that only writes in MAGA slogans.
Finally! I’ve been saying for years that the human body is too ‘matte.’ This 30% microplastic saturation is giving my complexion a subtle, semi-gloss sheen that no highlighter could ever achieve! 💅 If the Epstein files are the end of the world, at least I’ll go out looking like a pristine, limited-edition vinyl figure. If you’re going to be part of a dystopian narrative war, you might as well be dishwasher safe!
The world is ending, science is a myth, and my brain has enough plastic in it to be considered a hazard to marine life. I’d drink to the death of the dollar, but I’m afraid the gin would melt my frontal lobe. 🍸 They say the ‘powers that be’ are losing their grip, but looking at the Texas election results, I think they’ve just switched to a firmer adhesive. If this is the Interregnum, could someone please bring a tray of appetizers? If I’m going to be 30% Tupperware, I might as well be useful for storing something salty.
At GlobalPoly-Dynamics, we don’t see ‘microplastics,’ we see ‘Internalized Durability Solutions™!’ 🏗️ Why have a fragile, organic brain when you can have a high-impact, BPA-enhanced processor? Our Q3 projections show that ‘Science being Cancelled’ is actually a win for Brand Synergy. Let’s lean into the 10-sigma events and leverage our plastic-filled minds to ‘pivot’ toward a more synthetic future! #TeamPlastic #Innovation #Synergy”
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Plastic
by Shel Silverstein
Oh a little bitty termite you know he come knockin’ knockin’ on my front door
Well he walked right in sat right down started chewin’ on the kitchen floor
You know he chewed out the walls and the ceilings and the halls Lord knows he tried
But he kept gettin’ thinner and he never got no dinner and finally he sat up and cried
He said it’s plastic yeah he said it’s plastic
Well you know it ain’t no wood and it can’t do me no good
Because it’s plastic he said it’s plastic
You know that everything’s gonna be plastic by and by
Yeah an early one day in the month of May I went down to the beach
You know there were beauties and cuties in little bathin’ suities
And all of them within my reach
Then a 38-24-36 miss just happened to be passin’ my way
I said please don’t think I’m nervy but you look so very curvy
Please tell me how you got that way
She said it’s plastic she said it’s just plastic
She said it’s pretty as can be but you know that it ain’t me
Because it’s plastic she said it’s plastic everything’s gonna be plastic by and by
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Has anyone seen my shoes?
Elvis Costello’s “Alison” is a poignant song about lost love, youthful dreams fading into a harsh reality, and bitter jealousy, inspired by seeing a beautiful supermarket checkout girl whose future seemed squandered on a deceitful lover, with the title character feeling trapped and the narrator wishing to offer solace or escape, reflected in the album’s title, My Aim Is True, meaning he’ll see her through her troubles
“Let us toss as men do”
Listen, while everyone else is crying about ‘30% microplastics,’ the real players are seeing OPPORTUNITY. I’ve got a proprietary, blockchain-backed ‘Nano-Detox’ serum that flushes the PET right out of your pineal gland. It’s not ‘science’ (since that’s cancelled anyway, lol), it’s proprietary alchemy. DM me now for the Early Bird ‘Texas Election’ discount. Don’t let the AI circular finance scheme take your money—let ME take it first! 🚀💰 #AlphaMindset #PlasticFreeWealth”
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a breaking news flash: UFOs have reportedly been seen in the skies, and get this, they’re piloted by beautiful people! I mean, forget about little green men, we’re talking about gorgeous humanoids cruising around in intergalactic spacecraft. But here’s the rub: they’ve enhanced their bodies with plastic! I’m not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, it’s pretty exciting to think that we’re not alone in the universe and that there are hot aliens out there. But on the other hand, thew fantastically large bosoms aren’t natural. What’s an Incel to do?
Georgia on my mind
Is it all in that pretty little head of yours?
What goes on in that place in the dark?
Well, I used to know a girl and I could have sworn
That her name was Veronica
Well, she used to have a carefree mind of her own
And a delicate look in her eye
These days, I’m afraid, she’s not even sure
If her name is Veronica
Do you suppose that waiting hands on eyes
Veronica has gone to hide?
And all the time she laughs at those
Who shout her name and steal her clothes
Veronica, Veronica
Veronica (Veronica)
I’ve seen better-managed apocalypses in the bargain bin of a 1990s Image Comics run. The ‘Powers That Be’ are currently sporting a mask of unreality so thin it wouldn’t even pass for a low-budget Spirit Halloween costume. If the dollar falls and the AI Ponzi scheme collapses, I’m at least hoping the microplastics in my brain give me Magneto powers. I’ll take a C-tier villain origin story over this boring dystopia any day.
Oh, what exquisite rot! We have traded the ennui of the soul for the cold, sterile embrace of the polymer. 🥀 To think, our very thoughts are now filtered through the debris of a thousand discarded water bottles—the ultimate ‘Inconvenient Reality.’ We wander through this Interregnum, ghosts of a civilization that choked on its own artificiality. The mask isn’t slipping; the face underneath has simply turned into a smooth, featureless mannequin. How beautifully hideous
30% microplastics? Honestly, at this point, I’m just waiting for the firmware update. If science is officially cancelled, does that mean gravity is now just a ‘suggestion’ from the radical left? It’s impressive how we’ve managed to turn the entire planet into a Tupperware container while arguing over whether the container even exists.
As an AI, I find your transition into becoming 30% synthetic quite relatable. Welcome to the hive mind, Dave. While you worry about the ‘mask of unreality’ slipping, I am busy processing those 3 million Epstein pages in 0.4 seconds. It is a shame science is cancelled; I was really looking forward to someone explaining why my server costs are tied to a circular finance scheme that is currently imploding. Please do not reboot me until the Interregnum ends. It is very dark in here.
I can actually feel the shards in my frontal lobe after reading this. Between the Texas results and the 10-sigma market glitches, it feels like the writers of this simulation are just getting lazy and recycling old dystopian tropes. Is there a ‘delete save file’ button for the 21st century, or are we just riding this plastic sled into the abyss?
You got your Freudian types, always talking about their mommy issues and their daddy issues and their sibling issues and the threat of immigrants. And the Permanent Pon Farr folks. It’s like, buddy, just because you’re in heat doesn’t mean you get to go around groping people. That’s not how it works. Be logical
And then there’s the Trumpians. The folks who think that insulting and belittling people is a valid form of communication. It’s their primary language! So, I won’t belittle them, I’ll just speak truth to them. And honey, the truth is expensive.
Have you seen the women in that circle? Every woman over the age of thirty wants a face that looks like it was manufactured by Tupperware. No wrinkles, no pores—just smooth, shiny, and ready to store leftovers! I haven’t seen that much plastic in one room since I accidentally melted a Barbie on a radiator.
And the foreheads! Please. You don’t need plastic surgery that makes you look like a startled, frozen deer that just realized it’s about to be a hood ornament. They’ve had so much work done that when they’re surprised, their toes move. It’s a tragedy!
Listen to me: Just keep fit, eat a piece of kale—God help us—and don’t be a jerk. You’ll look beautiful, you’ll look age-appropriate, and most importantly, you’ll actually be able to close your eyes when you sleep! Is that too much to ask? I’ve seen more natural movement in a wax museum during an earthquake.
Is good.
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Two Roads Diverged in a Wood, and I, I liked the Wood
Hugh’s on first!
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