Global warming Archives - Dystopian Digest

Climate Risk May Someday Matter to Countries, Warns Extremely Polite Spreadsheet

82 mins

LONDON—In a bold act of understatement, Fitch Ratings announced this week that climate risk might become “increasingly important” to sovereign credit ratings, particularly as large portions of the planet become uninsurable, intermittently on fire, or underwater. To track this unfolding inconvenience, Fitch has unveiled Climate Vulnerability Signals (Climate.VS), a sophisticated tool that assigns countries a helpful number…

BREAKING: Planet Earth Declares Itself “Water Bankrupt,” Still Refuses To Cancel Pool Parties

55 mins

UNITED NATIONS HEADQUARTERS—In a bold new move that shocked absolutely no one who has ever looked at a drying riverbed, UN scientists announced this week that Earth has officially entered an “era of global water bankruptcy,” meaning the planet has been living beyond its hydrological means and is now emotionally, financially, and geographically underwater. According…

BREAKING: Planet Earth Now Just One Big Campfire, Scientists Recommend Weenies, Marshmallows

1165 mins

Over the past week the headlines have been coming in like biblical plagues, if the Bible had been written by CNN’s breaking news ticker: Spain battles record wildfires even as the end of a heat wave brings lower temperatures Fire Season Is Starting Earlier Thanks to Climate Change, New Study Finds Four years after war…

In this week’s episode of Late Capitalism Theater, we proudly present: “Cat Bonds: Because Who Doesn’t Want a Front Row Seat to the Apocalypse?”

654 mins

Yes, friends, while sea levels rise, wildfires torch continents, and earthquakes toss cities like a toddler with a Lego set, Wall Street has cooked up yet another high-yield thrill ride for investors who like their portfolios shaken, not stirred—with a tsunami chaser. According to a paywalled Financial Times article that somehow managed to keep a…

This One Thing Scientists Forgot to Mention Could Change Everything About Your Future

734 mins

Bad news for anyone hoping climate change would just politely ruin other people’s countries: A new study, boldly titled Reconsidering the Macroeconomic Damage of Severe Warming has horrifyingly revealed that global warming’s economic devastation will be worse than everyone assumed. Previous climate models reassuringly predicted only mild to moderate global economic destruction, presumably comforting enough…

Fighting Climate Change, One Card at a Time! Pentagon’s New Plan Reminds Us of Solitaire—But Less Hopeful

43 mins

The U.S. Department of Defense is spending millions of dollars to better understand the potential effects of climate change. For those of the public who don’t get their news from Info-Wars or Epoch Times, climate change is understood to be a serious threat. Yet even informed people might expect climate change to politely unfold in…

These Growing Threats to Your Pet’s Health May Finally Convince Americans to Pretend to Care About Climate Change

44 mins

In a shocking turn of events, veterinarians nationwide are issuing a red alert to pet owners about the numerous ways climate change is coming for their beloved furballs. No, it’s not just you—your golden retriever might actually be in danger from hurricanes, floods, wildfires, and, of course, unhinged conspiracy theorists convinced that dressing up as…

BREAKING NEWS: “15th Time’s the Charm!” Declares Climate Change, As Earth Breaks Another Record

03 mins

In a shocking twist no one saw coming—except for every climate scientist for the past 50 years—August 2024 has officially become Earth’s hottest August in NOAA’s 175-year climate record. August didn’t just break the record for being the hottest month—it shattered it, and then stood over the shattered pieces while laughing maniacally. With a global…