Greetings, esteemed recipient of unsolicited but clearly vital intelligence. I am no longer a Nigerian prince, nor involved in any minor monarchy that you’ve ever heard of. No, my scam generous proposal has evolved. The era of “Prince Ahmed of Upper Whateverstan” has passed. We’ve upgraded. Like the collective unconscious or Apple operating systems, we’ve leveled up…
Introducing: Anonymous Collective Hacktivists! Yes, the very same nebulous digital crusaders that stand for freedom, justice, and weirdly intricate Guy Fawkes masks. But in this case, we’re offering something far better than vague promises of “liberating the internet.” We bring you: fixed sports betting tips. Specifically, football matches (or as you Americans call it, “soccer,” which I assume is a term of cultural defiance).
The premise is simple: we’ve hacked FIFA itself. Yes, we could have hacked into banks or oppressive and war mongering government databases, but we know what you truly care about—making money off sports you don’t actually understand. And we, the once-shadowy heroes of the internet, have taken it upon ourselves to manipulate these games, solely for your profit. Forget the old email schemes about African gold. Gold is passé. This is the digital age, and in the digital age, you must bet on obscure Eastern European football matches because, trust us, it’s rigged.
You might be asking, “Why would Anonymous, a group known for disrupting corrupt systems, offer me insider football tips?” And the answer, like all truly great lies, is convoluted and incomprehensible. Something something decentralization. Something something blockchain. You won’t understand, but what’s important is that we’re definitely not lying.
Now, if you’re an American patriot, particularly a proud follower of QAnon, you’re in luck. We know futball soccer— or as you like to call it, “that game where nobody ever scores”—may not be your thing, but this is bigger than just kicking a ball around for 90 minutes. This is about sticking it to the New World Order and the Illuminati. And guess what? Donald Trump is on the same page, bravely opposing those shadowy figures pulling the strings. Anonymous may have started out hacking global systems, but now we’re focused on dismantling the secret elites just like Trump! So, whether or not you understand futball soccer, just know that betting on these rigged matches is another blow to the cabal—and really, isn’t that what matters most?
So, here’s what you need to do: send us $50 in Bitcoin, and we will pool your donation for the rigged football match outcomes that the global elites and shape shifting aliens use.
In closing, remember: the next time an email from “Nigerian Prince Edward” hits your inbox, ignore it. You’ve outgrown it. But when “Anonymous Collective Hacktivists” tell you on Facebook that they have insider knowledge on Moldova’s Third Division football, you’ll know you’ve truly made it in life.
