Welcome to today’s edition of “How Screwed Are We?”—spoiler: it’s very.
In groundbreaking research that literally no one in power will do anything about, scientists have confirmed that our brains are marinating in microplastics, meaning we are all just a few decades away from thinking like Tupperware. A new study in Nature Medicine found that plastic particles are not only camping out in human organs, but they really love the brain—especially in people with dementia. That’s right, the thing turning our minds into soup isn’t just Fox News—it’s also plastic-infused blood flow.
The White House has yet to release an official statement, though sources close to the administration suggest they are currently weighing their options between “thoughts and prayers” and “unhinged budget cuts.”
Meanwhile, while your frontal lobe is slowly becoming a landfill, a Scientific American op-ed warned that bird flu is quietly amassing a human fanbase, hinting at a potential pandemic sequel that no one asked for. But don’t worry, the CDC probably knew this months ago and just… didn’t tell us. Why? Because back in Trump’s first term, his administration decided public health data should be cleared through a guy who once stared directly at a solar eclipse. Next, the Biden administration missed their chance to stop bird flu’s spread. Now, Bird Flu is mutating faster than a Marvel villain, but “experts” assure us that the risk of a human outbreak is low. You know, just like they said about COVID—right before society collapsed and we started hoarding toilet paper like it was Bitcoin.
But wait! There’s more! Just when scientists thought they’d get a chance to maybe figure out how to save us from this horror show, research funding mysteriously evaporated! Four days into Trump’s second term (or was it on Day One…or last week? Time seems to have become disjointed ), he issued an executive order suspending peer review at the NIH, because clearly we’ve had too much science lately. You read that correctly—one of the last things keeping our health research from turning into a Facebook meme just got thrown overboard.
So let’s recap:
✔ Your brain is turning into a Dollar Tree product.
✔ Bird Flu is playing the long game, and we’re all in the splash zone.
✔ The U.S. government is now regulating science with a Magic 8-Ball.
And the best part? You still have to go to work Monday morning like nothing’s happening…unless you are a woman or non-white guy working for one of the government agencies responsible for fixing this, in which case you’ve already been defunded, furloughed, or replaced by an AI that just generated a blank report labeled “Mission Accomplished.”
