Laugh (or cry) at the absurdity of the news
It used to be that when billionaires got bored, they bought a yacht, opened a museum, or ran for political office and (usually) lost spectacularly. Now they want to replace democracy with a Reddit thread. Elon Musk and his merry band of tech broligarchs are on a mission. No, not to make money. That’s for…
NASA: It’s Just a “Normal” Star Burp, Don’t Worry About It (Too Much) As if we didn’t have enough existential threats to worry about—climate change, AI overlords, Trump being back in office—now scientists are reminding us that the Sun, our benevolent life-giver, occasionally hurls cosmic temper tantrums that could fry our entire civilization like an…
Welcome to today’s edition of “How Screwed Are We?”—spoiler: it’s very. In groundbreaking research that literally no one in power will do anything about, scientists have confirmed that our brains are marinating in microplastics, meaning we are all just a few decades away from thinking like Tupperware. A new study in Nature Medicine found that…
WASHINGTON—In a stunning display of legislative efficiency and moral bankruptcy, the House of Representatives has passed the Laken Riley Act, a bill so draconian that it essentially requires immigrants to be detained for the heinous crime of “being here while not white.” The bill, which is currently being fast-tracked to the Senate, mandates detention without…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a thrilling narrative update, Democrats have unveiled a brand-new Hero’s Journey tailored specifically for their brave fight against a second Trump presidency. Spoiler alert: it’s less “slaying dragons” and more “mildly inconveniencing progressive allies while apologizing to hedge fund managers.” Act I: The Ordinary World (Where Nothing Gets Done) Our story…
The Onion Buys InfoWars, Promises to Deliver Fake News… on Purpose This Time In a move that proves 2024 just couldn’t let us go quietly into the night, satirical juggernaut The Onion has purchased the assets of Alex Jones’s InfoWars in a bankruptcy auction. This means that the most infamous conspiracy theory platform on the…
The U.S. Department of Defense is spending millions of dollars to better understand the potential effects of climate change. For those of the public who don’t get their news from Info-Wars or Epoch Times, climate change is understood to be a serious threat. Yet even informed people might expect climate change to politely unfold in…
In a shocking turn of events, veterinarians nationwide are issuing a red alert to pet owners about the numerous ways climate change is coming for their beloved furballs. No, it’s not just you—your golden retriever might actually be in danger from hurricanes, floods, wildfires, and, of course, unhinged conspiracy theorists convinced that dressing up as…
Remember that friendly dentist down the street who knew your name and recommended chewing sugarless gum over regular gum four out of five times? Gone. Replaced by gleaming chrome clinics owned by faceless corporations with a singular motto: More Implants, More Benjamins! A shocking investigation has unveiled that some private-equity-owned dental chains are allegedly extracting…
In what experts are calling a “catastrophic” loss of species, humanity has continued its award-winning streak of ruining everything it touches. According to the latest Living Planet Report by the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF), global wildlife populations have shrunk by an average of 73% since 1970. But don’t worry—we still have TikTok videos and lab-grown meat to…