Laugh (or cry) at the absurdity of the news
The U.S. Department of Defense is spending millions of dollars to better understand the potential effects of climate change. For those of the public who don’t get their news from Info-Wars or Epoch Times, climate change is understood to be a serious threat. Yet even informed people might expect climate change to politely unfold in…
In a shocking turn of events, veterinarians nationwide are issuing a red alert to pet owners about the numerous ways climate change is coming for their beloved furballs. No, it’s not just you—your golden retriever might actually be in danger from hurricanes, floods, wildfires, and, of course, unhinged conspiracy theorists convinced that dressing up as…
Remember that friendly dentist down the street who knew your name and recommended chewing sugarless gum over regular gum four out of five times? Gone. Replaced by gleaming chrome clinics owned by faceless corporations with a singular motto: More Implants, More Benjamins! A shocking investigation has unveiled that some private-equity-owned dental chains are allegedly extracting…
In what experts are calling a “catastrophic” loss of species, humanity has continued its award-winning streak of ruining everything it touches. According to the latest Living Planet Report by the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF), global wildlife populations have shrunk by an average of 73% since 1970. But don’t worry—we still have TikTok videos and lab-grown meat to…
Greetings, esteemed recipient of unsolicited but clearly vital intelligence. I am no longer a Nigerian prince, nor involved in any minor monarchy that you’ve ever heard of. No, my scam generous proposal has evolved. The era of “Prince Ahmed of Upper Whateverstan” has passed. We’ve upgraded. Like the collective unconscious or Apple operating systems, we’ve…
Welcome, citizens of the future! Or is it the present? Once upon a time, dystopian futures were just fun thought experiments for English majors and conspiracy theorists. The future was bright, and things were going to get better and better. Back in 1985 (or year 95 in the Year of Our Ford) there was much…
In the golden age of technology, everything in your house is “smart”—your thermostat, your fridge, even your toothbrush—except, of course, for you. Welcome to the future, where everything is connected to the internet, and nothing works when you need it most. Remember the good ol’ days when “home security” was a dog and a baseball…
In a fascinating display of computational prowess, a hyper-intelligent AI—operating with predictive algorithms so advanced they border on the psychic—now forecasts a high probability that both Trump and Harris will receive 269 electoral votes this November. It’s a reminder that even in politics, the universe has a way of bending toward chaos. After months of…
By The Dystopian Digest Prophecy Desk “In the next couple of decades, we will be able to do things that would have seemed like magic to our grandparents,” tech visionary and OpenAI CEO Sam Altman begins in his cheerful, almost oblivious proclamation of The Intelligence Age. Of course, my grandparents were not naive enough to…
Cupertino, Earth—In a bold move that’s sure to disrupt the sleep industry, a new app called The Doomsday Alarm Clock has hit the Apple App Store (actually, it’s over a year old…but the world has ended yet, so we might as well report on it.) Tired of alarms that gently coax you out of bed…