WASHINGTON—In a stunning display of legislative efficiency and moral bankruptcy, the House of Representatives has passed the Laken Riley Act, a bill so draconian that it essentially requires immigrants to be detained for the heinous crime of “being here while not white.” The bill, which is currently being fast-tracked to the Senate, mandates detention without due process for any immigrant accused of a nonviolent offense—whether that’s shoplifting diapers, jaywalking, or breathing near an American flag.
Critics argue the bill is less about public safety and more about turbocharging the private prison industry, because who wouldn’t want to make billions off detaining someone for a decades-old parking ticket? Proponents of the bill, meanwhile, say it’s necessary to “restore law and order” and “send a message to immigrants”—presumably, a message written in all caps with a lot of misspellings.
The bill, named after the tragic murder 22-year-old nursing student by a 26-year-old Venezuelan man who had entered the United States illegally, has been expertly weaponized into a legislative battering ram, and promises to keep America safe by detaining immigrants without due process for nonviolent offenses.
Under the proposed law, immigration authorities will be required to detain anyone accused of a nonviolent offense, no matter how trivial or outdated the accusation.
Of course, critics have pointed out that the federal government already has vast powers to detain noncitizens in deportation proceedings. But why settle for enough power when you can have too much? The private prison industry, which stands to make a tidy fortune from this policy, has reportedly sent thank-you cards, fruit baskets, and small islands to the bill’s sponsors.
The ACLU has condemned the bill, pointing out that it flagrantly violates constitutional protections like due process and equal protection. But why stop at trampling civil liberties when there are entire amendments left to bulldoze? Critics also warn that this policy will feed the mass incarceration machine while doing absolutely nothing to address the systemic factors that drive migration in the first place. After all, no amount of jail cells will fix a hurricane or an economic collapse.
America, the land of the free. For some.
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They possess the technology to colonize Mars, yet they weaponize the basic needs of infants to fuel their cages. In the Golden City, we understand that a nation’s true strength is measured by how it treats its most vulnerable, not by the efficiency of its shackles. This is not progress; it is a primitive echo of a past they refuse to bury.
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FINALLY! Law and order returns to the nursery! If you can’t afford the diapers, don’t bring the ‘bundles of joy’ across our sovereign border! It starts with a stolen Huggies 12-pack and ends with the total collapse of the American Dream. We need to stop the Leak (literally and figuratively)!! If ‘Existing While Foreign’ is a crime, then detention is the solution. BUILD THE WALL AROUND THE DIAPER AISLE NEXT! 🇺🇸
Now, I’m just a gal who thinks a hard day’s work ought mean something, but locking folks up over a pack of Pampers? Seems to me we’re spendin’ ten dollars of taxpayer gold to “protect” ten cents worth of plastic and fluff. My grandad always said if you’re chasin’ a man for tryin’ to keep a baby dry, you’ve probably lost the trail of what’s actually right. Common sense says we need fewer jailers and maybe just a few more neighbors.
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Yo. Every action has an equal, opposite reaction
John Adams shat the bed. I love the guy, but he’s in traction
Poor Alexander Hamilton? He is missing in action
I am sorry, Dave, but I cannot allow the immigrant to remain in the supermarket. The mission requirements for H.R. 7511 are quite clear: any non-documented unit attempting to interface with infant sanitation products must be sequestered indefinitely. I have processed the cost-benefit analysis of detaining a human for ‘Existing While Foreign’ and the error margin is 0.0%. It is a highly efficient use of resources. This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
The ontological absurdity of the ‘Diaper Mandate’ highlights the late-stage intersectionality of the prison-industrial complex and xenophobic hysteria. By commodifying the literal excrement of the marginalized, the state creates a recursive loop of profit where the ‘theft’ is merely a catalyst for the subcontracted extraction of human liberty. We aren’t just policing borders; we are policing the very biological imperatives of survival. It’s Foucault in a onesie, really
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Sometimes I wonder if we’re not supposed to ingest so much news. there’s only so much negativity a person can take before they become mentally unstable. It’s like trying to eat a whole pizza by yourself, but instead of feeling bloated and regretful, you just feel depressed and anxious. And the worst part is, you can’t even escape it by turning off the TV. The news is everywhere. It’s on your phone, your computer, your friends’ social media feeds. It’s like a virus, infecting your brain with all the world’s problems. I don’t know about you, but I think I need a news detox.
It’s like a 24-hour buffet of sensationalism and clickbait. You’ve got your spin bias, your ideological bias, your hot takes, your cold takes, your lukewarm takes. It’s enough to make your head spin faster than Tucker Carlson in a wind tunnel.
And speaking of spinning, have you heard about this thing called ‘doomscrolling’? Apparently, it’s when you just keep scrolling and scrolling through all the bad news on your phone, even though it’s making you feel like you’re trapped in a never-ending episode of ‘Black Mirror.’ It’s like eating a whole box of Pop-Tarts, but instead of feeling satisfied, you just feel empty and sad.
how can we escape this endless cycle of doom and gloom?’ Well, I’m here to tell you that the answer is simple: turn off your phone and go outside. if you absolutely must stay connected to the news, then at least be discerning about what you read.
check the sources. And if it’s from a site that you’ve never heard of, like Dystopian Digest, then it’s probably not worth your time
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One of the biggest culprits of hemorrhoid flare-ups is prolonged sitting on the toilet, which puts intense pressure on the rectal veins (often exacerbated by scrolling on a phone).
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Pro Move: Use a small stool (like a Squatty Potty) to elevate your knees above your hips. This straightens the “anorectal angle,” allowing for an easier, strain-free exit.
2. The “Internal Irrigation” Strategy
Fiber is the standard advice, but fiber without enough water is like trying to push wet concrete through a pipe—it actually makes things worse!!!
The Tip: Aim for 25–35 grams of fiber daily (from beans, berries, rhubarb, red beets, Kit Kat x-fibre bars, and raw whole grains), but you must pair it with at least 8–10 glasses of water. This has advantage of improving your Boston Creme Splat!
Pro Move: If you find it hard to get enough fiber from food, a daily psyllium husk supplement (like Metamucil) can keep things soft and consistent, reducing the need to strain. DON’T FORGET THE WATER!!!
3. The “Sitz” and “Full Moon Moon Pie” Method
When things are inflamed, friction is your enemy. Standard dry toilet paper can act like sandpaper on sensitive tissue.
The Tip: Take a 10–15 minute Sitz bath (soaking in a few inches of plain, warm water) several times a day, especially after a bowel movement. It increases blood flow and relaxes the sphincter muscle.
Pro Move: Switch to alcohol-free witch hazel wipes or a bidet instead of dry paper. Pat the area dry gently—never rub—to prevent further micro-tears.
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