WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a thrilling narrative update, Democrats have unveiled a brand-new Hero’s Journey tailored specifically for their brave fight against a second Trump presidency. Spoiler alert: it’s less “slaying dragons” and more “mildly inconveniencing progressive allies while apologizing to hedge fund managers.”
Act I: The Ordinary World (Where Nothing Gets Done)
Our story begins with Democrats living in their natural habitat: a comfortable fundraising gala where everyone agrees that Trump is the worst thing to ever happen to democracy, right after Bernie Sanders’ campaign. Heroes in tailored suits sip Chardonnay and lament that they would totally fix things if only they weren’t so busy losing to Marjorie Taylor Greene in social media debates.
The Call to Adventure: “Trump is Literally Hitler”
The adventure begins when Rachel Maddow sounds the alarm: Trump has retweeted a meme implying he’d serve a third term. Democratic leaders leap into action, demanding bipartisan solutions to the apocalypse while quietly reminding donors that tax cuts are still on the table.
Refusal of the Call: “Not Now, Bernie Bros!”
When progressives suggest bold action—like writing legislation Medicare for All or a Green New Deal—the Democrats respond with righteous fury: “How dare you! Don’t you see we’re busy saving democracy by consulting with Liz Cheney and Neoconservatives?”
Meeting the Mentor: Self Help Podcasts
The mentor is now an AI chatbot named “Oprahbot” that will one day rival Joe Rogan by offering sage wisdom like, “You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you. Now here’s a message from our new sponsor for a new miracle breakthrough in vitamin supplements!”
Crossing the Threshold: To the Right
Our heroes bravely cross into uncharted territory—also known as “policies Ronald Reagan would’ve loved.” They embrace tough-on-crime rhetoric, propose tighter border security, and insist on more Pentagon funding, because nothing says resistance like bloated defense budgets.
Tests, Allies, and Enemies: Bernie Supporters Are the Real Threat
Faced with tests like mass evictions, climate catastrophe, and a collapsing healthcare system, the Democrats rally their strength… to punch left. When Sanders supporters demand real solutions, the party responds heroically by blaming them for Susan Sarandon, Jill Stein, and probably global warming.
Approach to the Inmost Cave: The Polls
In the darkest hour, the Democrats prepare for battle by holding focus groups to determine if voters care more about climate change or whether billionaire donors feel included. The answer: both are equally important—so do nothing.
The Ordeal: Losing to Trump Again
In a stunning twist, the Democrats face their greatest fear: a CNN exit poll showing that Trump has once again captured the White House. But don’t worry—they have a plan! It involves blaming third-party voters, more sternly-worded skeets next cycle, and a 2nd Women’s March on Washington featuring anatomically correct pink hats.
The Reward: Tax Cuts for Donors
Despite the chaos, the Democrats secure the one treasure they’ve always sought: approval from Wall Street and Silicon Valley. They celebrate with a heartfelt message to working families: “Hang in there! And don’t forget to vote blue in 2028.”
The Road Back: Avoiding Accountability
On their journey home, the Democrats avoid any serious reflection by blaming Russia, TikTok teens, and probably Cardi B for their failures. They vow to “fight harder next time,” which means calling Liz Cheney for campaign advice.
Resurrection: Nothing Changes
As the dust settles, our heroes rise from the ashes, untouched by the consequences of their inaction. They live to fight another day—mostly against people to their left.
Return with the Elixir: Bipartisan Gridlock
The hero returns to their base with a gift: a new bipartisan bill that lowers the cost of prescription drugs by 75 cents if you can prove you’re not a socialist. Cue the applause!
As Trump embarks on his own chaotic second term, the Democrats remain steadfast in their commitment to… whatever this is. Stay tuned for the sequel, “Hero’s Journey 3: Why Voting Blue Is Your Only Option, Plebs.”
