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NASA Issues Casual Reminder That Giant Ball of Fire in Sky Threatens to DESTROY EVERYTHING
NASA: It’s Just a “Normal” Star Burp, Don’t Worry About It (Too Much) As if we didn’t have enough existential threats to worry about—climate change, AI overlords, Trump being back in office—now scientists are reminding us that the Sun, our benevolent life-giver, occasionally hurls cosmic temper tantrums that could fry our entire civilization like an…
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Congratulations, America! Your Brain is Now 30% Microplastics, and Science is Officially Cancelled!
Welcome to today’s edition of “How Screwed Are We?”—spoiler: it’s very. In groundbreaking research that literally no one in power will do anything about, scientists have confirmed that our brains are marinating in microplastics, meaning we are all just a few decades away from thinking like Tupperware. A new study in Nature Medicine found that…
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New US Congressional Bill Requires Immigrants to Be Detained for Stealing Diapers, Existing While Foreign
WASHINGTON—In a stunning display of legislative efficiency and moral bankruptcy, the House of Representatives has passed the Laken Riley Act, a bill so draconian that it essentially requires immigrants to be detained for the heinous crime of “being here while not white.” The bill, which is currently being fast-tracked to the Senate, mandates detention without…
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The Hero’s Journey Updated for Democrats In Advance of 2nd Trump Presidency: Now With Extra Punching Left and Mythical Moderate Unicorn Hunts!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a thrilling narrative update, Democrats have unveiled a brand-new Hero’s Journey tailored specifically for their brave fight against a second Trump presidency. Spoiler alert: it’s less “slaying dragons” and more “mildly inconveniencing progressive allies while apologizing to hedge fund managers.” Act I: The Ordinary World (Where Nothing Gets Done) Our story…
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You Won’t Believe Who Bought The Conspiratorial Website InfoWars (Unless You’ve Already Been Listening To or Reading the Lamestream Media!!! )
The Onion Buys InfoWars, Promises to Deliver Fake News… on Purpose This Time In a move that proves 2024 just couldn’t let us go quietly into the night, satirical juggernaut The Onion has purchased the assets of Alex Jones’s InfoWars in a bankruptcy auction. This means that the most infamous conspiracy theory platform on the…
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Fighting Climate Change, One Card at a Time! Pentagon’s New Plan Reminds Us of Solitaire—But Less Hopeful
The U.S. Department of Defense is spending millions of dollars to better understand the potential effects of climate change. For those of the public who don’t get their news from Info-Wars or Epoch Times, climate change is understood to be a serious threat. Yet even informed people might expect climate change to politely unfold in…
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These Growing Threats to Your Pet’s Health May Finally Convince Americans to Pretend to Care About Climate Change
In a shocking turn of events, veterinarians nationwide are issuing a red alert to pet owners about the numerous ways climate change is coming for their beloved furballs. No, it’s not just you—your golden retriever might actually be in danger from hurricanes, floods, wildfires, and, of course, unhinged conspiracy theorists convinced that dressing up as…
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Think Your Teeth Are Safe? Think Again—Why Big Dentistry Is Coming for Your Smile
Remember that friendly dentist down the street who knew your name and recommended chewing sugarless gum over regular gum four out of five times? Gone. Replaced by gleaming chrome clinics owned by faceless corporations with a singular motto: More Implants, More Benjamins! A shocking investigation has unveiled that some private-equity-owned dental chains are allegedly extracting…
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Report Confirms World’s Wildlife Populations Plummet, Humans React With Shrug And New Netflix Subscription
In what experts are calling a “catastrophic” loss of species, humanity has continued its award-winning streak of ruining everything it touches. According to the latest Living Planet Report by the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF), global wildlife populations have shrunk by an average of 73% since 1970. But don’t worry—we still have TikTok videos and lab-grown meat to…
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URGENT: Anonymous Hacktivists Reveal FIFA Insider Football Fixes – Totally Not a Scam (Promise)
Greetings, esteemed recipient of unsolicited but clearly vital intelligence. I am no longer a Nigerian prince, nor involved in any minor monarchy that you’ve ever heard of. No, my scam generous proposal has evolved. The era of “Prince Ahmed of Upper Whateverstan” has passed. We’ve upgraded. Like the collective unconscious or Apple operating systems, we’ve…
