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HELP! My Boss is an Algorithm and My Phone is Spying on Me: 10 Ways Your Job Turned Into a Black Mirror Episode and You Didn’t Even Notice
Congratulations, worker!You’ve survived another day of employment under late-stage capitalism’s hottest new management trend: Surveillance as a Service™. Because when your employer said they wanted “full transparency,” they meant you—not them.We now present a very real, completely not terrifying at all guide to the brave new tools reshaping your workday, your bathroom break, and possibly…
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This One Thing Scientists Forgot to Mention Could Change Everything About Your Future
Bad news for anyone hoping climate change would just politely ruin other people’s countries: A new study, boldly titled Reconsidering the Macroeconomic Damage of Severe Warming has horrifyingly revealed that global warming’s economic devastation will be worse than everyone assumed. Previous climate models reassuringly predicted only mild to moderate global economic destruction, presumably comforting enough…
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You’ll Never Believe What These Tech Bros Want to Do to America (Hint: It Involves Your Brain)
It used to be that when billionaires got bored, they bought a yacht, opened a museum, or ran for political office and (usually) lost spectacularly. Now they want to replace democracy with a Reddit thread. Elon Musk and his merry band of tech broligarchs are on a mission. No, not to make money. That’s for…
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NASA Issues Casual Reminder That Giant Ball of Fire in Sky Threatens to DESTROY EVERYTHING
NASA: It’s Just a “Normal” Star Burp, Don’t Worry About It (Too Much) As if we didn’t have enough existential threats to worry about—climate change, AI overlords, Trump being back in office—now scientists are reminding us that the Sun, our benevolent life-giver, occasionally hurls cosmic temper tantrums that could fry our entire civilization like an…
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Congratulations, America! Your Brain is Now 30% Microplastics, and Science is Officially Cancelled!
Welcome to today’s edition of “How Screwed Are We?”—spoiler: it’s very. In groundbreaking research that literally no one in power will do anything about, scientists have confirmed that our brains are marinating in microplastics, meaning we are all just a few decades away from thinking like Tupperware. A new study in Nature Medicine found that…
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New US Congressional Bill Requires Immigrants to Be Detained for Stealing Diapers, Existing While Foreign
WASHINGTON—In a stunning display of legislative efficiency and moral bankruptcy, the House of Representatives has passed the Laken Riley Act, a bill so draconian that it essentially requires immigrants to be detained for the heinous crime of “being here while not white.” The bill, which is currently being fast-tracked to the Senate, mandates detention without…
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The Hero’s Journey Updated for Democrats In Advance of 2nd Trump Presidency: Now With Extra Punching Left and Mythical Moderate Unicorn Hunts!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a thrilling narrative update, Democrats have unveiled a brand-new Hero’s Journey tailored specifically for their brave fight against a second Trump presidency. Spoiler alert: it’s less “slaying dragons” and more “mildly inconveniencing progressive allies while apologizing to hedge fund managers.” Act I: The Ordinary World (Where Nothing Gets Done) Our story…
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You Won’t Believe Who Bought The Conspiratorial Website InfoWars (Unless You’ve Already Been Listening To or Reading the Lamestream Media!!! )
The Onion Buys InfoWars, Promises to Deliver Fake News… on Purpose This Time In a move that proves 2024 just couldn’t let us go quietly into the night, satirical juggernaut The Onion has purchased the assets of Alex Jones’s InfoWars in a bankruptcy auction. This means that the most infamous conspiracy theory platform on the…
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Fighting Climate Change, One Card at a Time! Pentagon’s New Plan Reminds Us of Solitaire—But Less Hopeful
The U.S. Department of Defense is spending millions of dollars to better understand the potential effects of climate change. For those of the public who don’t get their news from Info-Wars or Epoch Times, climate change is understood to be a serious threat. Yet even informed people might expect climate change to politely unfold in…
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These Growing Threats to Your Pet’s Health May Finally Convince Americans to Pretend to Care About Climate Change
In a shocking turn of events, veterinarians nationwide are issuing a red alert to pet owners about the numerous ways climate change is coming for their beloved furballs. No, it’s not just you—your golden retriever might actually be in danger from hurricanes, floods, wildfires, and, of course, unhinged conspiracy theorists convinced that dressing up as…
