Congratulations, worker!
You’ve survived another day of employment under late-stage capitalism’s hottest new management trend: Surveillance as a Service™. Because when your employer said they wanted “full transparency,” they meant you—not them.
We now present a very real, completely not terrifying at all guide to the brave new tools reshaping your workday, your bathroom break, and possibly your soul.
1. GPS Tracking: Like a Fitbit for Your Productivity Guilt
Whether you’re a delivery driver or a hospital janitor, your boss now knows where you are, where you’ve been, and how many bathroom stalls you’ve loitered in. It’s like Santa Claus, but with quarterly metrics.
2. Keystroke Logging: They Know How Badly You Spell ‘Definitely’
Every misspelled word, every deleted email draft to Janet in accounting about her “passive-aggressive birthday cupcakes,” every desperate Google search (“How to fake your death convincingly?”)—all recorded and judged by your employer’s surveillance software. Spellcheck won’t save you from this humiliation.
3. AI Mood Analysis: Your Face Has Been Deemed 63% Disengaged
Smile! You’re on a dystopian reality show where the prize is… not getting fired! Cameras now guess your mood based on eye twitch velocity and nostril flare angle. Apparently, “resting bored face” is grounds for termination.
4. “People Analytics”: Now with 42% More Orwell
Your employer wants to know everything: who you email, how often you poop, and whether your use of the word “synergy” was sincere or sarcastic. Spoiler: it was sarcastic. The algorithm is unimpressed. Coming soon: electric shocks for low enthusiasm!
5. Remote Work, But Make It Creepy
Working from home? That’s adorable. Now your boss wants to see your screen, hear your keyboard, and maybe take a peek at your soul. (Which they believe should be “brand-aligned.”)
6. The Keylogger Diaries
Remember when you wrote “I hate this job” in your personal journal saved on your work laptop? Yeah, your manager does too. And so does IT. And now you’re in the next “team alignment workshop.”
7. The Trust Fall is Over—You Landed on an NDA
Surveillance doesn’t build trust, but it does build a legal framework for why you’re not allowed to discuss your “feelings” about being tracked like a parolee. Unions are discouraged. Thinking about unions is discouraged. Thinking in general? Strongly discouraged.
8. Union Busting via Surveillance: “Solidarity Forever,” Except on Camera
Thinking of unionizing? AI knows your every whisper, side-eye, and break-room conspiracy. Collective bargaining? More like collective panicking. Management loves teamwork—just not when it’s aimed at getting dental insurance.
9. Real-Life Examples: Amazon & UPS, the Orwellian Dream Team
Amazon patented wristbands tracking every wrist flick, step, and accidental nose-pick, while UPS monitors truck drivers’ seatbelt clicks and engine starts as though their vans might spontaneously turn into Batmobiles. Facial scanning to determine your mood? Welcome to HR’s Minority Report department.
10. [Redacted]
Sorry, this cannot be revealed due to corporate policy, national security, and that weird non-disclosure agreement you signed at orientation without reading. Let’s just say if you knew what #10 was, you’d immediately delete your browsing history and microwave your smartphone.
Don’t worry though—HR assures us that everything about #10 is completely normal, legal, and definitely doesn’t involve aliens, government conspiracies, or why Kevin from marketing mysteriously disappeared last Tuesday. Sorry for the inconvenience. Remember—your privacy is important to us.*
*(Not really.)
In Conclusion:
We’re not saying your job is a dystopia.
Think of yourself as starring in a sci-fi thriller!
Welcome to the future of work.
Now go back to your desk, smile for the mood camera.
Or as your algorithmic supervisor says:
“Human detected. Resume output.”
And anyway, if you were doing your job properly, you wouldn’t have time to read this far.
