HOLD ONTO YOUR BURGERS, FOLKS! In the wild, anything-goes world of the 1880s, labor strikes were spreading like wildfire! Workers across America were FED UP with their back-breaking hours and death-defying working conditions. They took to the streets, demanding better lives, but in May 1886, those peaceful protests in Chicago’s Haymarket Square EXPLODED into full-blown violence! It was a showdown between labor and capital, and the aftermath? Eight anarchists slapped with murder charges and four executed—YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT! It was the riot heard ’round the world! While the rest of the globe decided to honor this epic struggle by turning May 1st into Workers’ Day—a day of protests, strikes, and fist-pumping solidarity—the U.S. government decided, “NO WAY, NOT HERE!” The power elite, scared stiff that May Day would ignite a revolution, cooked up a sneaky plan to dodge the whole affair. ENTER: THE MASTER PLAN! In 1884, the Knights of Labor pulled a fast one by proposing that the first Monday in September be declared Labor Day. By the following year, states were hopping on the bandwagon. But it wasn’t until President Grover “Cautious as a Cat” Cleveland got involved that things really took off. Fearing that May Day would fuel the socialist and anarchist flames, Cleveland
made sure Labor Day was locked in for September, far away from any dangerous revolution-talk. Conservative Democrat President Cleveland signed it into law just days before sending troops to CRUSH a massive strike in Chicago. TALK ABOUT TIMING! While the rest of the world uses Labor Day to honor the blood, sweat, and tears of workers, over the years Americans somehow transformed it into a NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR A BACKYARD BBQ! That’s right, it’s like we collectively decided the best way to honor the labor movement is to lounge in lawn chairs, sip on cold beers, and complain about the weather (or, if you’re into that sort of thing, the New World Order manipulating the weather to push the global warming agenda). By associating Labor Day with barbecue, beer, and fun, businesses can capitalize on consumer demand and boost sales through overheating! Win-win! Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, workers in Western Europe have already celebrated their labor rights on May 1st and are probably finishing a leisurely August filled with government-mandated vacation days. That’s right—while workers in the USA relish their single day of rest, those French and German workers have taken a week or two off, guilt-free and paid in full, probably with more vacation days remaining. But who needs more time off when you’ve got Labor Day? A day that celebrates the dignity of LABOR but has somehow become more about celebrating the chance to be overeating and drinking while not working, if only for a few hours.
