A political consultant leans in close to a tired-looking voter in a swing state Waffle House and says:
“Okay, here’s our act.
First, we spend thirty years promoting the slow abandonment of the working class, privatizing everything Reagan didn’t get to, and apologizing every time the Republicans call us ‘socialists.’ We say ‘compromise’ but mean ‘capitulate,’ especially when we control everything. We promise things like universal healthcare, a $15 minimum wage, and student debt relief. The crowd loves the anticipation of it…
…then, right before the curtain goes up—poof!—we means-test those progressive policies to death, quietly kill them in committee, and say it’s because of the Senate Parliamentarian.
Then, in 2024, Trump comes back—openly fascist, indicted, and ranting like a guy who lost a debate to a Burger King receipt—and our entire campaign is:
‘He’s going to end democracy.’
No jobs program. No rent control. No healthcare. Just vibes. And fundraising emails that say things like, We’re panicking. Give $7.
Meanwhile, our incumbent candidate—who we all know has dementia symptoms more obvious than a Biden ice cream meme—keeps getting wheeled out like Weekend at Bernie’s, mumbling about bipartisanship while Gaza burns.
When he manages to lose a debate to himself by proudly announcing he finally defeated Medicare, we let the Clinton wing—yes, they’re still here—parachute in the VP, —a former prosecutor from the San Francisco Bay Area—who struggles to distinguish her policies from the incumbent’s, but somehow manages to dazzle the audience with New Age platitudes about falling out of a coconut tree and the profound significance of the passage of time.
She launches a ‘happy talk’ campaign. No policy, no platform, just “The economy’s great!” while 50% of the country is living off credit cards.
We ignore Gaza, ignore strikes, ignore climate collapse—and every time a voter says, ‘Hey, this feels bleak,’ we scream “Would you rather have TRUMP?”
And at the very end, we lose. Again. Then send out an email:
“Now more than ever, your donation is crucial to saving democracy.”
The voter blinks and says,
“What do you call that act?”
The consultant grins, teeth bright with work paid by donor cash.
“The Democrats!”
(Cue standing ovation from MSNBC panelists and a Lincoln Project tweet that just says “🔥🔥🔥”)
